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One kid, two kids, no kids? To fly or not to fly
One kid, two kids, no kids? To fly or not to fly
“Madam, there’s a baby inside the nest!”, Subramani exclaimed as he hung outside my balcony. He is the community handyman, who had finally appeared that morning to clean our outdoor air-conditioning unit, when he discovered a nest behind the unit.
“I cannot clean it Madam. It’s bad karma. The baby bird will die. I’ll come back after a month.”
“Why a month?”
“It will take a month for the baby to learn how to fly.”
“Oh that long!”
“Yes, and it needs the nest while its learning to fly. No one will take this job until the baby has flown away. You have to wait.”
As Subramani turned to leave, I hear a sound (cheep cheep). Mumma bird had arrived.
Oh well. Just a matter of time. The baby will fly.
—
The phone rings. It’s my close friend. Her 7-year old daughter has just won the Inter-School Athletic competition.
A few years ago this little girl was dealing with asthma. Athletics had seemed a faraway dream.
The child herself has been my friend’s dream. After a long and painful struggle with infertility, my friend had adopted this baby from Palna, an orphanage for abandoned babies. The baby she chose was tiny and weak, born prematurely, in need of immense care, in need of a home.
As I finish that call, I walk past the nest outside my balcony.
It’s a matter of time.
—
A week later, I’m trying to schedule an important meeting but the lady (a professional friend) is unable to accommodate my dates. It’s her husband’s nephew’s birthday . I am curious why she insists on traveling all the way to Boston for his birthday. She explains, “This boy is special. While giving birth to him the attending doctors made a mistake, and did not realise his heart beat was abnormal. My sis-in-law needed a C-section and they delayed. His brain was damaged. He is unable to do most of the things we consider normal. He is turning 6 and is absolutely adorable!”.
Before I can react, she continues, “Honestly I’m going for his parents. They’re heroes. They had the courage to have one more child after him, a healthy daughter, and now they’re considering a third child.”
“WHAT! That’s unbelievable!?”
“Well, when their daughter turned 2, they felt she needed a normal sibling to grow up with, like everyone else has. I guess it completes their family.”
I come back home, trying to wrap my head around what parenting can mean.
I comfort myself with a cup of chai and walk past the balcony. This time I salute the nest.
It’s a matter of time.
—
A week later the baby is out of the nest. It’s flapping its tiny wings on a steel rod, six floors above the ground. One wrong step would mean death. I wonder if learning to fly is worth that risk. Its mom certainly thinks so.
I am reminded of the ongoing conversation with my sister. She is confused and scared. She helped me with my kids but does not feel confident to have her own. She fears responsibilities, fears making mistakes, fears the impact on her current life, and wonders if she is ready. Almost equally she fears aging without kids, without a family of her own. She cannot imagine “not having kids ever”, but hopes she had a few more years to make the decision.
I reflect on my journey. With my first child, I did not question my readiness nor did I fathom the changes he would bring. I was tired of living “in my self” all the time. I wanted to get out of my head, and experience a different kind of love.
With my second child, the decision was more complex because of medical uncertainties. We faced the risk of one more premature birth. After many books and many doctors, I decided to write down my feelings to help me zoom out the risks. I also read another mom’s memoir called Beyond One which helped me visualise a life with two kids.
Today I’ve found better words to explain my decisions.
“Man is an animal suspended in webs of significance that he himself has spun.” — Clifford Geertz, an anthropologist
The stuff I was chasing back then — goals, opportunities, career symbols, me-time, were self-spun constructs which although real in their own way, did not feel real in the same way as having children felt. After children, a large part of my life revolves around real stuff such as food, hugs, tantrums, infections, parks, school events, other kids — and the joy and pain that comes from it all feels equally real.
“In the end, people don’t view their life as merely the average of all its moments — which, after all, is mostly nothing much plus some sleep. For human beings, life is meaningful because it is a story. A story has a sense of a whole, and its arc is determined by the significant moments, the ones where something happens. A seemingly happy life maybe empty. A seemingly difficult life may be devoted to a great cause. We have purposes larger than ourselves.”
― Atul Gawande, surgeon and writer
With children, I’ve found it easier to have many more of these significant moments, which may seem small, but are meaningful to me. My kids have given my life a wider arc, a better story.
—
My childhood friend, after many years of resisting the idea of having a second child decided that her family needed one. She is worried that she has lost precious years, and her body may not comply. I understand what she is going through; the day you really want a child, you cannot wait to have one. It feels like a knot, pulling at you from the inside.
Brain studies have shown that such life-changing decisions are subconsciously made long before we perceive them. Our logical brain convinces us of these pre-made decisions by finding reasons to justify them. As they say in psychology, if the elephant (emotional brain) does not want to move, the rider (logical brain) cannot do much. That’s why I could never convince my friend until her heart was ready, and I’ve become overly cautious when talking to my sister.
My writing is suddenly interrupted by my six-year-old.
“Mum, if I plant a seed, does that make this plant man-made?”
Another tricky question. But I welcome the real-ness and love of that interruption, and decide to stop writing. I’m already fearing the questions my kids will ask when it’s their turn to be a parent. They’re perfectly comfortable talking to Alexa and to me, and I wonder how that will affect their decisions.
Thankfully when it comes to the nest outside my balcony, I know there will be no questions on whether flying is worth it. I can say without an atom of doubt that evolution will prevail, and this baby will fly.
Dear Sis, no one can tell you if you should fly. But the seed that you are made of, wants you to try.
—
It’s a month now. Subramani has come. My baby bird has flown away.
